There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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