his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
