it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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