Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
