why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
