Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
