Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
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She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
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Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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