I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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