What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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