Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
