There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
