i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
then he tried to convert me to islam
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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