I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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