Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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