I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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