my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
