My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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