Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
