i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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