"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
