And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
