Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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