Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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