if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
