You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
