Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
