Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
