Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
