I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
