hotel room ftw
Can i not drive my cunt home
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
