I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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