Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
