What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im six kinds of drunk right now
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
