i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize