Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
