I'm gonna have a badass scar
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.