just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.