who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
