I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
