I feel great
I just peed on a car
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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