you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
