I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
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I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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