just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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