Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
