someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
