he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
