Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
