god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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