oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
