Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
