matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
