my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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