Your tits are I can't wait for
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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