Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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