i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You're a waste of cheezeits
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
