the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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